THIS IS A SATIRE REPORT
SOUTH BEND, Ind. — To honor his service to the City of South Bend and St. Joseph County, this week, Mayor James Mueller gave the Key to the City to Health Officer Dr. Robert Einterz whose last day was on March 31st.
“We’re honored to give you this key comrade.” Mueller stated while sulking in the corner after Pete Buttigieg ignored his 31st call of the day. “It’s not just symbolic. It will make all of our socialistic dreams come true.”
Mueller then took Einterz and a group of loyal members of the media to the absentee ballot storage area of the County Clerk’s Office where he used the key to magically open the door while he frantically sent Pete Buttigieg a text with GIF of a baby in drag in the hopes of eliciting a heart emoji.
“If I learned one thing from my good friend Peter, you only give this honor to people who will do anything we say.” Mueller said while screaming for someone to grab a burner phone so he could call Buttigieg from an unknown number. “We wouldn’t have been able to shut down churches, close nearly 100 businesses, trans our kids, kill hundreds of unborn black babies while calling Republicans racist or use the health department to attack the businesses of our political opponents without you. I think the moment I knew you were truly worthy is when you called a Republican’s 6-year-old child a rapist. Peter would be so proud.”
Former Democrat County Clerk Rita Glenn was also in the crowd to celebrate the achievement. With a pocket full of secret keys jingling as she shredded any document she could pull from the room, she randomly cried and shouted about her “exoneration” from an Indiana State Police investigation for potential election crimes.
“I only made 40 or 50 secret keys and handed them out to other Democrats because I couldn’t trust the Republicans to do their job by rigging elections in our favor.” She explained as she dropped a handful of ACE Hardware reward cards. “Oops, can’t lose these! I have enough rewards from all of these keys to get a Green Egg!”
In a strange turn of events, several employees of the Health Department were protesting the honor because it was “too white.” They were quickly subdued by the promise that the next key will be given to trans 8-year-old of color.
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